The Town of Light

There are walking simulators and then there are walking simulators.  The Town of Light is an exploration of a mid-century sanitarium.  It might have been an interesting, contemplative experience except for one thing – the thing that can be the downfall of any walking simulator: a slow walking speed.

 

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten out of my chair after playing a video game and thought “Wow!  I walk so fast!  It’s great!”.  Certainly, I do like my DOOM “walking faster than Usain Bolt running” speed, but this is the first time I’ve actually felt like my brain was moving in slow motion because getting from point A to point B was so

 

 

painfully,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tediously,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

laboriously,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ponderously,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

excrutiatingly

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

slow!

 

Beyond that, there are even times that the limited control a walking simulator is taken away – you can’t actually turn around, you can’t even look away from the 20 degrees in front of you – which makes me wonder why it wasn’t just a cutscene.  I do understand that this is meant to be an exploration of deep psychological issues, but the way to represent that would be to make your choices meaningless (turning around doing the dream-like running thing), not to pretend you still have control.  And so I add another game to Tier Four – for reasons that were entirely preventable.

Day of the Tentacle (Remastered)

I have an unfavorable impression of Double Fine studios.  Their first game, Psychonauts, was fun.  I haven’t finished it, but it was well put-together and seemed light-hearted and whimsical.  Looking through their game catalog, however, I see very few other original games I recognize; exactly two, actually: Brütal Legend and Broken Age.

Apparently, they acquired the rights to remaster Tim Schafer’s previous work at LucasArts: Grim Fandango and Day of the Tentacle.  Both are point-and-click adventure games, and you would think that they would be the least resource-intense games possible.  Somehow, however, the remaster of Day of the Tentacle stutters uncontrollably when using the “Remastered” graphics on either of my computers.  If I switch between the classic and remastered graphics, it stutters on both modes.  This is unacceptable.

Worse yet, the remastered graphics are actually worse than the classic graphics.  The charm and very soul of the pixellated introduction playing on top of Ranz des Vaches during an unskippable cutscene has been ripped out and replaced with what can only be called soulless iOS-like graphics.

Not for the game but for the Remaster: Tier Four.

Steam link

Pixel Puzzle Ultimate

 

Why do I–Why–Why do I have this. WHY–why do I have THIS. WHY DO I–WHY DO I HAVE–THIS. THIS! WHY DO I HAVE THIS–

 

YOU. You! It’s your  fault Culling of the Cows? Did you make a deal with Pixel  Puzzle Ultimate? Did you supply them with a picture in a desperate attempt to gain traffic to you game? Did everyone who had a copy of Culling of the Cows get a free copy of Pixel Puzzle Ultimate as part of the deal? Did they? DID THEY?!? Oh, you think you stop me? This is the last game in my Steam library. THE LAST. You want a review? You want a review of this huh? FINE. I’LL GIVE YOU A REVIEW.

 

Continue reading “Pixel Puzzle Ultimate”

Super Meat Boy

 

Wow, we are really scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

 

Look, I don’t care what you’ve heard, this is not a good game. I only have it because it was packaged along with some humble bundle or another. I have no idea why this ever became popular. You play as a cube of meat. You jump. You jump on walls. There are cinematics where you poop on people. The butt of many-a-joke is that your girlfriend gets beat up. Amazing. That about sums up this Tier 4 mess.

Continue reading “Super Meat Boy”