by Holy crap. It’s been so long since I’ve played an FPS that wasn’t poisoned by Call of Duty that I’d forgotten that FPS’s could actually be fun. Enter Castle Wolfenstein.
Return to Castle Wolfenstein may be one of the last 3-D shooters before all the sins of modern FPS’s damned the genre to eternal suffrage in Hell. This came from an age where the single player mode of an FPS is actually fun in addition to the multiplayer. You’ll find no recharging health bars, no one-hit-KO-melee-attacks, and no self-absorbed heroics. Instead, the game features things that are, oh I don’t know, actually fun. How does it do this? Easy. 4 steps.
Eat.
Sleep.
Reload.
Repeat.
This is a magic rhythm that 9 times out of 10 makes a good FPS. It’s kind of like what they say about percussion–if the you can chant, “Makin’ money, makin’ money,” then your beat is probably good. The same goes with FPS’s.
Step 1: Eat. Grab all the powerups you can.
Step 2: Sleep. Give your enemies the eternal rest they deserve.
Step 3: Reload. Put more gun in your gun. Gun is good.
Step 4: Do it again.
Any time you are not doing this in an FPS it is generally a bad time. Running around aimlessly because the level design is confusing? Bad time. Standing around listening to NPCs talk? Bad time. Shooting a man in the face? Awesome.
“But you can soak up more bullets than a Shamwow! In realistic modern-day shooters, death happens in the blink of an eye because it’s a man’s game.”
Cool. You enjoy playing half of your game on the loading screen. I’ll enjoy twice the action.
“Where are the epic cutscenes? Where are are the heroics?”
Well, while you’re watching the game play itself trying to make you feel like a hero, I’ll be out be playing the game actually being a hero.
“It’s unrealistic how quickly you run around and kill dozens of soldiers. You can’t do that in real life.”
That’s what makes it a game. Its departure from reality is part of what makes it fun. If I wanted the experience of what it actually felt like to run around and shoot people I’d go out and do it. …Wait. What did I just say?
“But the graphics are as ugly as sin.”
*ahem* well you see, back in 2002… actually you’re right about that one.
The graphics strike uncanny valley hard; the inevitable fate of every game whose visual design tries to emulate reality. Frankly though, you’ll be moving so fast through the levels that you’ll never care. The music isn’t anything fantastic either. It’s probably best if you mute it and go with “Bad Motherfucker” from Biting Elbows, or “Bang The Drum All Day” from Todd Rundgren or something along those lines. It’ll definitely improve the experience; otherwise, tons of fun.
Don’t be fooled by me putting this in Tier 2–it only goes here because in spite of being a strong title, it is essentially nothing new, putting the priority of other more unique games above this one. However, you might just find me putting this one in again later, mix-tape blaring on a day when I just feel like gunning people down. In the streets. While they run. Wait, what did I just say again?
