Run or Die

 

It’s like the movie Speed, only you’re on foot.

 

The year is 20xx…. okay not really, but you do have a robot suit. Run or Die is a runner game where you can’t stop moving or the bomb in your R.O.D. suit will explode. Your job? Run away from the evil organization that’s chasing you to steal the suit. You’re goal is to make it back to the doc where he’ll be able to put you in a Safe Zone where he can get the suit off of you. The good news is, the suit gives its wearer infinite stamina. The bad news… it’s unstable, which is what causes the explosion when you stop running.

 

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Braid

Well, what better way to follow up Lepcis’s Prince of Persia review than with…

 

Braid is a lot more interesting than I thought it would be. It also has nothing in it that I thought there would be. Braid is a platforming game where you can rewind time to fix any mistake you make. In fact, the game won’t even let you die, as the moment you’ll leave the screen from death, the game pauses and won’t proceed until time is rewound. Lined up with this theme, the game sports a philosophical story exploring the concept of a never making a mistake, especially when concerned with a relationship. The word “Braid” actually seems to be in reference to the way a person’s hair will whip behind them when they spin away from someone quickly, “lashing […] with contempt.” As my wife used to have hair down to her waist that she wore in a braid, I can tell you that a person’s hair really does do this when they angrily turn away.

 

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SquareCells

While this puzzle game is interesting (and includes some mechanics I wasn’t expecting), I’m just not sure it’s worth my time.  My only complaint is the scoring system – there’s no way to just try a possible solution without being immediately told it is incorrect.  If it were a mobile game for those five minutes of down time, I could almost see playing it some time.  So while it certainly isn’t a bad game and I don’t think I wasted my money (I mean, it was less than a dollar), I also don’t particularly see myself trying to beat it.

Steam link

Shovel Knight

Oh thank goodness – I’m not becoming a bitter old man.  Shovel Knight is Tier One, and it feels good.  The controls are tight, the fighting varied and clever, and the story just the right amount of cliché “save the world”.  I should have more to say, but Shovel Knight is simply some good retro fun.  It’s a 2D fighting platformer, but it’s a great 2D fighting platformer.  And there’s a ridiculous amount of content – I can see why people love this game so much.

Steam link

Prince of Persia

I thought Ubisoft had only been making the same game for 10 years.  It turns out it is closer to 15.  Originally, I gave a pass to the original Assassin’s Creed because it was a novel concept – a freerunning game set in an open world with climbing puzzles.  It was pretty neat.  The sequels were terrible since as Chezni just mentioned, they haven’t changed the game in years – just better graphics and a different story.  It turns out I was mistaken for even giving the original a pass, since the mechanics were already present in another game series by Ubisoft: Prince of Persia.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

As I played my hour, I started giggling.  Then laughing.  Then crying a bit, because this is just Assassin’s Creed in a more primitive engine.  Since this game, Ubisoft has just remade this exact game over and over again.  It has freerunning.  It has the exact same buggy “no, I didn’t want to run up that wall, I wanted to run through the door” problems that haven’t been fixed in any of the AC games.  It has the exact same weird bars you swing around on.  It has the exact same horrible, horrible action camera.  It has the exact same dagger stun locks.  The only improvement brought by the original Assassin’s Creed was the open world (which, granted, is fairly significant), but at the cost of wallrunning and reversing time (which was actually fun).  This game is forever tainted because of my experience with Assassin’s Creed, which affects my tiering.  I can’t play it because it just reminds me of all the things I hate about Assassin’s Creed and what that series stands for.  I could almost see myself playing it at some point because the time reversal seems fun and the characters/story interesting – though the dramatic cutscenes every time you sheath your sword or drink water (no, I’m not kidding) is more hilariously bad than fun.  To Tier Three it goes – play Lara Croft’s Tomb Raider Legend or Anniversary instead.

Steam link

Prince of Persia: Warrior Within

See above, only the composer played Doom in between.  Add heavy metal, angst, sexism, and a worse camera…somehow.

Steam link

Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones

Though the camera is still terrible, it’s less terrible than the previous two.  The combat is more fluid, and the angst seems to be gone from the previous game.  This one goes to Tier Two for me – I’m not sure I’ll play it soon, but it’s probably worth picking up at some point.

Steam link

Prince of Persia

Ah, of course.  The eighth game of the Prince of Persia series: Prince of Persia.  Naming conventions are apparently no longer in vogue in the gaming industry.  Ah well.  At least it’s a fun game.  The combat is a little simplistic and honestly a bit frustrating at times – they could really have used some sort of stamina mechanic – but overall the freerunning and attacking does feel more fluid.  There does seem to be a bit of “collect all these things” leaking in, but the chemistry between the main characters keeps up a good level of patter.  I can definitely see myself playing more of this – Tier One (Two Thrones might squeak in as well, now that I’m thinking about it).

Steam link

Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands

This goes into my “Technical Issues” category because it would require that I install Uplay.  I refuse.  I’m a bit disappointed since not a single one of these games actually let me take screenshots and I had hopes for the most recent one.  But Uplay isn’t worth the sacrifice.

Steam link

Ubisoft

Ubisoft is a Tier Four developer.  Between their ridiculous DRM, Uplay launcher, and rehashing of the exact same game over and over again, I have sworn off buying any of their future games (and playing any of their Uplay games).  The soul of the company was slowly drained ever since the Sands of Time.  I have considered doing an Assassin’s Creed series review, but there is too much pain (and the Uplay launcher, which is kinda the same thing) down that path.  I have learned my lesson the hard way – they just don’t make good games any more.

Tiny and Big: Grandpa’s Leftovers

 

“Remember that? Fun? That thing we used to have before gaming felt like a second job?” Enter the refreshing title of…

 

At its core, a good platformer is about getting to places. Not going to places or being in places, but getting to places. You can make the world pretty, you can make the world big and you can riddle the world with secrets but if getting to any of those things isn’t fun, then your platformer will fail. You see, the collectibles, world and settings were all just excuses for you to use the in-game mechanics in fun ways to get from point A to point B. Tiny and Big: Grandpa’s Leftovers was a breath of fresh air that reminded me of what it felt like to play a game that remembered this.

 

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Two Worlds II Castle Defense

Heheh. Ahaha… Aheheheh…. Ahahahah…. AHAHAH…. AHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHA–

 

Oh we’ve got a winner here friends. A powerful winner. Something so strong that Topware Interactive made sure to protect it not only with a CD key, but with a limited activation via internet, or phone (international calls only please, for your convenience of course).

 

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Receiver

I think this is the second game I’m going to put into Tier Four (Plankton doesn’t count – it was less of a game than Mountain).  Part of this decision is that it was part of a 7-day challenge to make an FPS – and from that perspective it is an interesting exploration of some FPS concepts – but nobody should actually spend money on this.

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Sweet Lilly Dreams

 

Ever wanted to be a girl in PJ’s who has a talking dog, sarcastic cat and fights dragons made out of pirate ship flags in her dreams? Ah, then you too must know about…

 

 

Let’s get the dirty out of the way first. Sweet Lilly Dreams is a an RPG Maker game. SLD has custom-made art that sometimes looks like it came out of someone’s colored pencil art book. Yes it has… a talking dog with a flower and sends out red flags for furry po–…. –ocket… book. Sketches. After you accept all these things, it’s not too bad.

 

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Assassin’s Creed Revelations

 

So here’s the funny part. I have this game installed. I have a computer that can run it just fine. I have my controller plugged in. I even know how to deal with Uplay’s/Ubisoft’s bullcrap in order to get the game to run. The thing is? I can’t stomach the thought of running this executable. It literally makes me sick when I think about it. I’ve played this game. I’ve played this game 3 damn times already. How do I know that? 5 years ago, I bought this game to play with my wife. She was excited that the multiplayer allowed you to play as a female assassin. So for two hours, we ran, jumped and stabbed our way through several multiplayer games until we got bored and never turned on the game again since… 07/13/2012 apparently.

The novelty of being a female assassin quickly wore off for my wife and she lost interest. “Hey, it’s cool that they’re letting be a female assassin, but we’re just kind of doing the same thing over and over.” Similarly, from the moment I turned on Revelations and we began to play (at this point in my life, having only played the original Assassin’s Creed) I thought to myself, “Hey, it’s cool that the controls and gameplay are so similar to the original that I know exactly how to do everything.” Then I stopped and in a dead-pan mental voice said, “Oh my word. The controls and gameplay are so similar to the original that I know exactly how to do everything.”

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